


you might make it boy (but by the skin of your teeth)

by atrabilicus



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sex Work, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, bc the briarwoods arc got me FUCKT UP Y'ALL, i Just started the chroma conclave arc so forgive inconsistent shit, kind of its more aftermath OF the briarwoods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 20:59:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15894042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atrabilicus/pseuds/atrabilicus
Summary: The rule was always no place without two exits. This is practiced in life, not battle, as shown by the lack of planning Vax preplans at any given time.The rule now is two exits, two hiding spots and more than a belt of blades to protect himself. But Vax'ildan is not paranoid, rest assured.





	you might make it boy (but by the skin of your teeth)

**Author's Note:**

> i love vax more than i love myself and i'm all kinds of fucked up from the briarwoods arc and this probably could've been longer and better if it wasn't three in the morning no-sleep induced. enjoy the hell that is both vax's ptsd and my thoughts for the past like ten episodes. 
> 
> title is from 'bartholomew' by the silent comedy.

The rule was always no place without two exits. This is practiced in life, not battle, as shown by the lack of planning Vax preplans at any given time.

 ** _(_** Vax is fifteen and he wishes he was smart enough to have claimed any other bedroom because he’s learned one exit isn’t enough. There is a door to his front but no window to his back and he can hear his father pacing the halls through the wood, waiting to time Vax’s precise escapes, and all he wants to do is leave the house. All he wants is to leave for a few hours; watch the stars, forget how much he hates this place.

Vax is nineteen and he’s learned that a window and a door are imperative by now. Because people are dangerous and usually block the door frame. With a man twice his size in the doorway of a room, he leaps out the inn window half dressed and finds his sister in the woods. She laughs for hours about the lack of shirt, the lack of shoes. Vax decides the woods are safer than an inn, there are so many more ways to run out here. But he still prefers the town.

Vax is twenty-three and the job he’s taken means he has to case an entire house; learn the ins and outs of the place with a certain subtlety that he’s come to know. He times the guards, and the family; counts doors and windows and has cleaned the place out before his sister comes back from her trip to the market. _**)**_

* * *

The rule now is two exits, two hiding spots and more than a belt of blades to protect himself. But Vax'ildan is not paranoid, rest assured.

Vax is twenty-seven and his room in the Keep is no longer what he needs it to be. No longer safe. Riskel Daxio assured he’d get a room with a window, unlike Grog who demanded not to be woken by the morning sun or Scanlan who was often too hungover to let true light into his room, but that’s not enough.

 ** _(_** He buys a skirt for his bed, fabric to hide away anything that made find its way under. Which in itself becomes a double-edged sword, but one he’s willing to juggle for this sort of circumstance.

He asks Percy to built him another wardrobe. Percy does not argue, despite the fact that this is not his area of expertise; because he needs a menial task to distract himself and no ordinary wardrobe has a false back with a Vax sized slot.

He buys a bulky oil lamp for his bedside. Does not unsew the symbol of Sarenrae from the inside of his glove. He sleeps with his blinkback belt no longer hanging from the post at the end of his bed, but sitting on top of his bedside table. The level of paranoia for the night will decide which, but one blade stays hidden under his pillow without fail. ** _)_**

* * *

There has always been one consistent thing in Vax’s life; Vex over everything. Because there is no him without her, because she is and will always be his better half, even if she’s a pain in his ass.

 ** _(_** Vax is eight and he makes sure she gets fed first, because their mother works hard, but not always hard enough. Vax can go days without food, Vex needs it more than he does. Not because she’s weak, she’s the strongest person Vax knows besides his mother, and that matters more than whatever Vax has to give to the world. He sneaks his food onto her plate when she isn’t looking and goes to bed on a half-full stomach but a satisfied mind.

Vax is fifteen, and he picks fights with Syldor because he’s the easy target. Sure, he’s still an ass to Vex, but it’s easier on her if he takes the attention off of her. If he sneaks out to hang out with the all the girls and boys and in between that won’t sneer at him, if he sneaks into the house purposefully a little too loud, then Vex can do more. She can thrive more than he can. She asks him why he does it, and he just laughs.

Vax is nineteen and where Vex can flirt her way into a saving money, Vax can flirt his way into earning money. He never tells her, and it’s easy to hide because she prefers the woods to the city. He’s a pretty kind of guy, and the further North they get the less the half blood becomes a prejudice and more of an appeal. He never tells her, despite the surprise at how they can afford what they can, and tells her he’s found good work.

Vax is twenty-three and there is a man trying to take his sister. To which he condemns him, puts what little persuasion he has to the test and talks his friends into turning against him. The deal gets done, by some miracle. He does not scream, when the brand is pressed between his shoulder blades, just bites his tongue and tastes copper in his mouth. He does not feel guilt, as they drag away a copy of his sister to the man who wanted her in the first place. He does not tell Vex until years later. **_)_**

* * *

Now that he’s older, people have become more important to him; Vox Machina are his friends and his family, but Vex will always come first and they can never expect more from him. They know she will always come first.

 ** _(_** Vax is twenty-seven and he can hear his sister screaming in his ear that they’re all going to die.

Vax is twenty-seven and he keeps walking.

Vax is twenty-seven and his sister hits the ground with a sickening noise and his entire life nearly ends.

Vax is twenty-seven when nothing is working; no potion nor healing spell, nor pleading and bargaining to any Gods and Goddesses who will listen. In the end, it’s luck and speed that saves her. **_)_**

* * *

Now he doesn’t sleep until he listens to the footsteps of every one of his friends' distinct gaits, can’t sleep until he pokes his head in on everyone in their rooms, does a full sweep of the Keep. Sometimes, he can’t sleep at all, and he spends the evening sitting outside his sister’s door until the shuffling of feet leave him ducking down the hall so he doesn’t worry her.

He and Jarrett have a newfound understanding of one another and spend nights swapping horror stories and sharing ale. Jarrett doesn’t ask if he’s okay when his hands shake, and when he counts under his breath at the doors and windows for whatever room they're in. Jarrett just refills his glass, offers new exits, recommends ways to stay awake and keeps him company.

  
Most nights, it works okay.


End file.
